If being asked to put a glass in the dishwasher is an assault on one's identity, then so be it. But such a person is probably also ill-suited to marriage or any similar relationship.

You’re missing the point. That’s one instance. Marriages are made up of thousands of these instances. Are you going to change your behaviors for all of those? Because I have, and it is tiring. Resentment builds on both sides.

Exactly. You continue to change until finally you reach a breaking point and the relationship is destroyed. Alternatively, you change on some things, push back on others, and try to reach compromises when you can. If your partner refuses to accept anything other than "victory" in every conflict, hopefully at least you learn this before you've sunk 20 years into the marriage.

Some people won't understand you. For them you're the only one to blame.

You've said it all : some things are clearly bad (over-drinking, being violent, etc) some are good (virtues etc) and the vast majority of things like laundry are not even worthy of debate.

If you change your self little by little for someone else, especially if it's a one-way thing, you'll end up miserable.

If seeing a glass not put in the dishwasher is an assault on one's identity, then so be it. But such a person is probably also ill-suited to marriage or any similar relationship.